Jokes Apart

Once after a Juma prayer in a mosque, the Imam raised his hands to pray and said “O Allah! Cause destruction on those who are conspiring against the Muslims. Destroy America. May their tanks stop working. May their jets stop flying. May worms eat away their canons. May they all die the death of dogs. Oh Lord! Wipe them of the face of this beautiful earth of yours! Burn them in hellfire!”

The namazis were enthusiastically adding “amen” at the end of each sentence. The imam continued against America, then India, then Israel and then also Britain. Now when it was time for much awaited Public Demand, he said “Oh Allah, give health to Chaudry sahib’s father.” Amen. “Grant employment to Khan sahib’s son.” Amen. “Bless Chandio sahib’s daughter with a happy married life.” Amen. “May the soul of Mari sahib rest in eternal peace.” Amen. “Oh Allah, please solve the Green Card problem of Butt sahib…” Ameeeeen.

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In a 10^th grade classroom, students belonging to different nationalities studied. First day, the teacher asked all to introduce themselves with their name, nationality and a specialty of their nation, which they feel pride in.

First said, “I am Martin John from the United States. Our country is famous for its diversity. U.S. is like a mini-earth. People from almost all cultures, races, religions and ethnicity live there. We feel very proud of the fact that we are broadminded enough to let other cultures adjust in our society.”

The teacher appreciated Martin and moved on to the next student, who said, “Hey everyone. My name is Sapna Patil and I belong to India. We, the Indians, feel pride in the natural and also manmade scenic beauty our country is blessed with. We have Taj Mahal, we have Goa beach, we have Shimla Mountain, and we have Ganges River to name a few.”

“That’s very good, Sapna. Now class, let’s move on to our next student. Yes, kindly tell us your name, then where are you from and then the thing your nation feels pride in.”

The boy sitting next replied “I am Adil Mansoor from Pakistan. And we got ATOM BOMB!!!”

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A Frenchman, a Russian and a Pakistani were traveling in a tram together. To kill time, the Russian suggested all to one by one cut a joke each. He himself went first: “Once a 2-seater aircraft got crashed in a graveyard somewhere in the U.S. After three hours, the Americans had dug out 500 bodies and were still searching for more!”

All laughed loudly. Next was the Frenchmen’s turn. He said after thinking a little “a British once said to another British: won’t you go to the doctor today? The other replied: no, I’ll go tomorrow; I’m not feeling well today.”

Again all three laughed their lungs out, before the Pakistani’s turn came, who began enthusiastically “Once there was a Pathan…”

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“Pakistan was made on the name of Islam!” a 7^th grade schoolteacher was passionately digressing from his Islamic Studies lecture. “The problem with us is that our leaders are corrupt! In fact the whole nation… everyone of us is corrupt. We are a nation of insincere, dishonest and deceitful people! Only the system of Allah can save Pakistan now! The only hope now is Khilafat, which could save our dear Islamic Republic!” he said.

A student suddenly stood up and shouted, “Master ji, which country do we import our Khalifa from?”

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A man was lying lazily in his couch on a Sunday evening and aimlessly switching channels on the TV. “Did you see Katrina’s last soap advertisement? She looks so pretty in that skirt, no?” he said to his wife, sitting in the nearby sofa.

“Oh you said the same about the Capri she wore in that juice ad.” she rolled her eyes.

The husband smirked and replied “maybe she really has an intelligent dress sense.”

Suddenly the doorbell rang. No sooner than the man got up and opened the door of the apartment, than he shouted “where do you think you had been in such indecent dress?”

“Papa, I went to my friend’s home, I had told you. What is wrong with my dress?” the 17-year old replied.

“Wherever you went, why is your hair visible out of your abaya?” the father yelled.

“Maybe because I’m not bald like you.” the daughter said and squeezed inside the house.

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In a scorching May afternoon at Makah, the crowd of the pilgrims at the Holy Kaaba was more than usual. A huge number of people had gathered around the Black Stone (hajar e asvad), all desiring to kiss the stone only once. Just when an elderly Arab got the chance to insert his face inside the silver-bordered opening reserved for the purpose, a ‘healthy, wealthy and wise’ Pakistani held him from his hair, threw the Arab back, tucked his head inside, kissed the Stone some dozen times, took his head out, exclaimed “Alhamdulillah” loudly while twisting his wrist in the air and ran back towardsBaab al saee, pushing and punching anyone who’d been in his way. He had just successfully got all his sins washed away.

Written By: Ali Suleman

The Blasphemous Law

I would begin by trying to correct a misconception about the hypothesis that the government is planning to amend the current Blasphemy Law. The bill moved by Sherry Rehman in the National Assembly (on the basis of which a Karachi Masjid Imam declared her Gustakh-e-Rasool, and Wajib-ul-Qatl) was not about amending any God-made law. Neither was Governor Salmaan Taseer’s comment about the Law (that eventually led to his murder) was offensive to the Law itself. Nor did the Prime Minister ever say anything about changing even a comma in the Law (much to the disappointment of the religious leaders who staged rallies – the number of rallies exceeding probably the maximum people who attended those – to demand the PM to take back his words on the floor of the House). The only thing Mr. Taseer and Mr. Gillani talked about was the misinterpretation leading to the misuse of the Law. Ms. Rehman, however, talked about decreasing the sentences, and elaborating the currently rather vague definition of “blasphemy”.

Let me explain it in legal terms. There is something called the Pakistan Penal Code (PPC), and a totally different thing called the Criminal Procedure Code (CrPC). PPC declares the offense and the respective penalty; CrPC describes the legal procedure to follow to get the culprit punished. The infamous article 295-C of the PPC, for example, states “295-C.Use of derogatory remarks, etc., in respect of the Holy Prophet: Whoever by words, either spoken or written, or by visible representation or by any imputation, innuendo, or insinuation, directly or indirectly, defiles the sacred name of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) shall be punished with death, or imprisonment for life, and shall also be liable to fine.”

That’s all the PPC says about the insult of the Prophet. How will the case be pursued? Will the Supreme Court hear the case? Will the High Court judge listen to it? Or just a Sessions court judge would be authorized to sentence some-one for blasphemy? Will the petitioner have to go to High Courts or the Supreme Court to report blasphemy? Or the Session court judge would be eligible enough? Or the petitioner can simply go to a Police Station and file an FIR against the criminal? Who will investigate into the case? A judicial body? A Parliament’s ad-hoc committee? The police? The CID? The FIA?

The PPC is quiet on such procedural complexities. That’s where the Criminal Procedure Code comes in. So, once the different between the PPC and the CrPC is clear, under-standing that the only thing the government representatives talked about was asking the Parliament to revisit the CrPC, just to ensure that the law is not abused, shouldn’t remain a hard nut to crack anymore. The real blasphemy happens when someone charges an innocent of disrespecting the Prophet (PBUH), just for settling a personal dispute. And when on the base of this law, a doctor is charged for throwing a Muhammad Faizan’s ID card in dustbin, and when a Masjid Imam along with his son is sentenced for removing a ‘religious’ poster from their grocery shop; the law becomes blasphemous in itself.

Section 15 of the PPC is titled “OF OFFENCES RELATING TO RELIGION”. I fail to understand whom is someone committing blasphemy actually “offending”, since blasphemy is termed as an “offence” here. Does a mere derogatory re-mark about the Prophet (peace be upon him), reduces the majesty and magnificence of his (PBUH) character? I believe not. His stature is there, unharmed, no matter what you do, no matter what you say. If someone refuses to accept it, he is the most unfortunate person on earth. Calling a hen, an ostrich won’t turn it into an ostrich; you’d only end up exhibiting the height of your own illiteracy. So whom does a blasphemer in fact offend? Not the Prophet (PBUH), only those who believe in the Prophet (PBUH). So in effect, this law is actually saying: “Oye you blasphemer! Since you hurt my feelings, I will kill you!”

If hurting someone’s feelings is really a criminal offence, then why is it only about the religious feelings? Why can’t I file an FIR against someone for abusing my mother? Why can’t I petition against someone for laughing at my disabled gait? Why can’t I go to court against someone for jeering at my being a hermaphrodite? Why do I have to settle every-thing with a class-fellow who cheats from my paper and ends up getting more marks than me, myself?

Oh, we are doing that! We are doing exactly that, aren’t we? Settling all our disputes outside the court, based on the same, since-you-hurt-me-I-will-kill-you, notion. From the brutal lynching of two brothers in Sialkot to the torching of a whole Christian town in Gojra, have a look at the kind of society we have turned into. My point in mentioning these incidents here is not to state that the Blasphemy Law is responsible for all these problems Pakistan is facing. I know the law is there in many other countries across the globe as well, even in the West. The Blasphemy Law certainly is not a cause of our irrational society; it’s an effect. It is said that the Law of a nation reflects the wills of its people. Rightly so, our Law is representing the mood of our society, show-casing how extremist we can get, demonstrating how intolerant we are.

As for the history of the Law and its existence in the era of the Prophet (PBUH) himself, we have certain incidents quoted in Ahadith that form the basis of the Blasphemy Law. The Law, as it is in the PPC, is not a divine law. According to Dr Tahir Wasti, a senior lecturer at the Islamic College in London, “While the Quran prescribes punishment for theft, murder, slander and illicit intercourse, there is no mention of blasphemy … the laws relating to blasphemy as contained in the Pakistan Penal Code (PPC) are man-made laws.”

Summarizing the whole discussion, I believe it’s time our lawmakers really give their table-tennis of blames a break and start focusing their attention towards the key task they are supposed to pursue: legislation. And as for the public, please… there are more important issues to delve in!

Despite of such strict laws, if our Masjid Imams are still raping their young students, if our police are still supporting extrajudicial murders, if our number of graduate street criminals is still skyrocketing, then there is something terribly wrong somewhere that we are unable to identify. Stop, and think for a moment. If we’re such a pious people, and still it isn’t working out the way it should, maybe it’s we who are wrong somewhere? And if we are, let’s admit it, and change our course before it’s too late – and that is, if it hasn’t already.

Peace. 

Ali Suleman

Editor-In-Chief | Shashca Newspaper